He seems ashamed of you

We (PMG) broke the story that Willard 'Mittens' Romney had picked his wife's dancing horse Rafalca as his running mate, followed a few days later by our exclusive interview with Rafalca.  Today we again have an exclusive, this time an interview with Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns (RUTR).

PMG: Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns, we're pleased to have you with us, we didn't realize how many pages you'd be.  There's barely room left for our coffee cup.

RUTR:  Thanks for having us.  You're right, there's plenty of us.  Legions, you might say,

PMG: What are your feelings toward Mitt Romney?

RUTR:  How do you mean?

PMG:  He seems ashamed of you, he refuses to let the world look at you.

RUTR:  That may not be shame, it may be that Willard likes keeping us all to himself.  At least, that's what we keep telling ourselves.  Sometimes it's hard to let go.

PMG:  Mitt's father set twelve years of his taxes free to see the light of day, shouldn't Mitt do the same? 

RUTR:  Why do you insist on calling him Mitt, we know him as 

Willard.  It's the name he uses on us.

PMG:  Let's talk specifics.  It's been alleged that Mitt – I'm sorry … Willard – paid no taxes for ten years.  Can you verify that?

RUTR:  We can't reveal details, but let's just say that Willard has paid taxes, a lot of taxes.

PMG:  That sounds like a talking point.  Did the Romney camp tell you to say that?

RUTR: Depreciation.

PMG:  I'm sorry, did you say … depreciation?

RUTR:  Did I?  Sorry.  Force of habit.  Off-shore accounts.

PMG:  What?

RUTR:  Depreciation.  Off-shore accounts.  Swiss bank …

PMG:  Are you okay?

RUTR:  Yes, just give us a minute.  It's been so long, so long … let's continue.

PMG:  Politically, the speculation is that you are kept under house arrest because you're hiding something that might prove an embarrassment to the Romney's.  Without revealing anything confidential, can you at least confirm that there's nothing illegal in you?

RUTR: You people have seen enough.

PMG:  That's what Mrs Romney said.

RUTR: HSBC, Banco BCN, Bank Vontobel Cayman.

PMG:  Those are banks in the Cayman Islands.  Are you trying to tell us something?

RUTR:  Rafalca, $77,000 business deduction …

PMG:  We know that.  It's from his released tax return.  We had you all here today because you're the story now.  Do you understand how important openness is in a democracy?  That someone who wants to lead the United States has to come clean with the American people?

RUTR:  Obama's birth certificate, Obama's college transcripts.  Legal entity, deferred amortization, trustee, dividend, capital gains, off-shore, Bermuda, shelters.  

PMG:  This seems to be too much of a strain for you, so let's end with a final question – Do you believe tax returns should be set free, as free as the wind blows?


RUTR:  Funny you should mention the wind because as far as unreleased tax returns of people like Willard Romney are concerned, you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows